Inquisitorial Diary

[ironloki]

EDIT Updated Version Below

 

 

Here's is a quick thing I wrote up about my chapter. I have only had a quick re-read but any feedback you culd give would be great especially as I was trying to keep it semi short to prevent boredom.

 

So any opinions?

 

Journal of Inquisitor Ramopolon sent to investigate the Chapter, Sons of Serapis.

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ironloki/alexandriaplanetsun.jpg

 

Day one

 

Finally we landed on the Planet Damascus, home of the Sons of Serapis chapter, after many months

[Guest Dr. Fabulous]

Very nice ironloki. I liked how you slowly built up tension throughout the report, kinda reminded me of the book Heart of Darkness.

 

A minor point though:

Finally we landed on the Planet Damascus, home of the Sons of Serapis chapter, after many months

[ironloki]

Thanks yeah i'll need to probably change that line. Thanks for any nitpicking as thats what I need

 

Wouldn't the Inquisitor bring more people with him to the planet, escpecially if he already knew of the sketchy reports on the Sons of Serapis?

 

I suppose so but I guess he thought he could handle it and they didn't really want to offend the chapter anymore by bringing in a huge force :rolleyes:

 

As for the planet I done it with Lunarcell (used in paint shop pro) you can get it at www.flamingpear.com. I dont have any artistic skills but I like to add some sparkly pictures in. :wub:

 

Thanks again for the feedback

[Aurelius Rex]

I enjoyed the report format a lot, very original, Loki. It worked very well in conveying the theme of the Chapter, and had a really nice sense of impending doom. :tu:

 

 

In the spirit of making a good thing even better, could I make some constructive criticisms?

 

- The protagonist came over as a little passive / indecisive. I see Inquisitors as people with near unlimited power, an iron will, kowtowing to no-one, willing to use the power and when they go into a situation where they know they are likely to be intimidated they always try to have a suitable force to back them up, either on the planet itself or in orbit. The Inquisitor seemed unprepared.

 

The voice of the writer and the fear in his voice was great, so instead have you considered that the report could be a personal log of one of the Inquisitors retinue, such as a very junior clerk / savant. Possibly someone of Interrogator level or lower? Then he could marvel that anyone would dare try to intimidate his boss, and then his absolute horror when his lord turns up dead and he has to go on the run. :o ;)

 

- You could get round all of these minor concerns with very minor modifications - his ship and most of the crew could be lost beforehand where they are 'saved' from xenos raiders by the Chapter... that kind of stuff. ;)

 

- There were a few proofreading text tweaks, such as where the same word is replicated within a sentence:

It was a magnificent sight to finally set my aging eyes on something that was not utter darkness however my initial spark of joy was dashed as the light began to fade and darkness once again took hold of my eyes.

I think there were a few more but I don't have my detailed notes with me. :rolleyes:

 

 

All in all, good stuff. Will there be more, or at least another draft/version? :)

[ironloki]

Cool thanks for the feedback. I like the idea of doing from say an acolytes view that way I can add more fear and a feeling of anxioty which doesn't seem to go with the fearless inquisitor.

 

Im going to re-do some details soon (that is when I get outta my bed ;) )

 

Thanks for the great feedback :rolleyes:

[ironloki]

Here's the updated version taken from the viewpoint of the acolyte. Any opinions would be nice as I had to rush it as im supposed to be revising for a uni exam

 

*runs off to revise absolute monarchs :rolleyes: *

 

So any opinions?

 

Journal of Acolyte Akildes accompanying Inquisitor Ramopolon who has been sent to investigate the Chapter, Sons of Serapis.

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v227/ironloki/alexandriaplanetsun.jpg

 

Day one

 

Finally we landed on the Planet Damascus, home of the Sons of Serapis chapter, after years of negotiations and many months

[Aurelius Rex]

This is a great improvement, and a really good read now. ;)

 

The tone of the piece works perfectly with the perspective of the acolyte.

 

Moral of the tale: Don't mess with the Sons of Serapis.

 

The questions for me are:

 

1. Are they really heretical, or just secretive and paranoid? (You would be best off keeping this at least a little ambiguous.)

 

2. How will the =][= respond to the mysterious disappearance of it's investigators?

 

3. Is the acolyte still on the run? If he is then his lifespan will probably be measured in hours or days, unless they are keeping him alive for a more ominous fate. :D

[ironloki]

Cool thanks for the heads up ;)

 

1. Are they really heretical, or just secretive and paranoid? (You would be best off keeping this at least a little ambiguous.)

Lol i've not really decided myself. Im going for unorthodox :cuss . They are very suspicious of everyone else (Think Dark Angels) and they have some reasons to do so. The chapter uses a lot of daemon things like the relictors. The chapter master has a daemon scythe and they allow some daemon creatures to survive on the planet so that they can learn from them and also use them to increase their abilities.

 

So they are loyal but use unorthodox techniques, which they know will be viewed in a bad light by the bosses of the Imperium :D - Hope that makes sense

 

2. How will the =][= respond to the mysterious disappearance of it's investigators?

 

Ahh good question. The chapters going to keep its mouth shut and then put things down to "accident" but I dont think the inquisition would be fooled. For the now im just going to have them try and harass the chapter but they will find it nigh on impossible to make any headway without perhaps authorising the use of other chapters/ other forces to fight the Sons of Serapis.

 

3. Is the acolyte still on the run? If he is then his lifespan will probably be measured in hours or days, unless they are keeping him alive for a more ominous fate.

 

Well im actually thinking of keeping him alive alone on this world. Perhaps the Chapter can't be bothered going after him as he poses no threat as he has no back up and no real equipment. Perhaps I could write a travel log for this poor soul :cuss

 

Hope that answered your questions. Trust you to give me questions I hadn't thought of yet :cuss :cuss

 

Thanks for your help its greatly appreciated :D