Firebolts

[schoon]

Please feel free to comment, criticise (constructive), suggest, or opine!

 

Origins

 

In the early days after the Horus Heresy, new foundings were an important vindication of the Dominion of Man

[schoon]

See below for color scheme... Edited June 7, 2010 by schoon

[Aurelius Rex]

Printed off for consideration at leisure, but from a quick skim it seems a great improvement. :D

[Brother Captain Alberic]

Hey its better then my second draft. :D Very original never heard of a chapter based on a Gas giant!

[Zhivago]

Diameter at Equator: 112,854 km

Gravity: 1.43 g

Hydrography: n/a

Mass: 7.68 x 10^26 kg

 

Your avarage density is 1020 kg/m^3, which is suitable for gas giant, and your equator diameter fits too. Job well done. :D

 

 

The rest of the stuff is looking good too.

[Aurelius Rex]

A very enjoyable read, with a number of very nice touches that made it stand out, in particular the '...scrap plastic and prayers...' part and a very punchy opening.

 

You have also succeeded in tying in the wild nature of the White Scars to the chapter, and seamlessly added to it with the culture of their homeworld.

 

There are a few sections I would like to examine:

 

The Adeptus Mechanicus, in an unusual and still unexplained decision, utilized pure-strain, tithed White Scars gene-seed in creation of the Firebolts

[schoon]

I suspect that this is a hangover from the previous version where they had modified geneseed.  Should the bits I highlighted be removed, as now they use pure geneseed this would be the norm?

You are correct. I'll modify accordingly.

 

A nice line, but what do you mean by mental sparring?  Could you give an example in the text?

Poor wording on my part; it should read more along the lines of "verbal sparring" or "reparte."

 

The word metastasized seems odd in this context, as I have only heard it used in the context of a cancer moving and spreading, not the spread of a settlement.

I chose that word intentionally with exactly the context you figured - I see most hives growing over time, more organic than planned.

 

Thanks again for the input/suggestions!

[schoon]

Sorry for the threadomancy, but I'm brushing this off for Philip's 1000 Chapters project...

 

Here's the new trooper image:

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y136/schoon9953/FireboltTrooperFinal.jpg

[moi_a_mania]

I have to say that after the 15 or so IA's I've read in the last two weeks, this revision is on the right path.

 

But with that said, there is always room for improvement. I feel like Simon Cowell from American Idol all of a sudden. :)

 

The one thing that stands out in your IA from everyone else's is that there is no mention of your Chapter Master. Some IA's go too far into building up their Chapter Master as the next coming of Marneus Calgar or Lord Dante. In yours, he is missing. I would include some small notes about him, how he became Chapter Master, what significant battles he's been a part of, how he inspires your men. I would continue with the raids on other ships. When I read that, I couldn't stop thinking of the opening scene in "A New Hope" where the Stormtroopers board the Rebel Ship and then Vader makes his impressive debut.

 

Include some characters and their stories and you'll be way on your way. Good luck making Phillp's list. I know they are down to like 100 spots left.

[Tyrannicide]

I have to say that after the 15 or so IA's I've read in the last two weeks, this revision is on the right path.

 

But with that said, there is always room for improvement. I feel like Simon Cowell from American Idol all of a sudden. :)

 

The one thing that stands out in your IA from everyone else's is that there is no mention of your Chapter Master. Some IA's go too far into building up their Chapter Master as the next coming of Marneus Calgar or Lord Dante. In yours, he is missing. I would include some small notes about him, how he became Chapter Master, what significant battles he's been a part of, how he inspires your men. I would continue with the raids on other ships. When I read that, I couldn't stop thinking of the opening scene in "A New Hope" where the Stormtroopers board the Rebel Ship and then Vader makes his impressive debut.

 

Include some characters and their stories and you'll be way on your way. Good luck making Phillp's list. I know they are down to like 100 spots left.

While I agree that a character can be a fine way to express the Chapter's beliefs and inner-workings through their personality, I feel that too many Liber-ites suffer from this. By making the Chapter's first Master out to be the most important thing of the article, in the end the viewer suffers from something that usually detracts from the Chapter, and lessens the reading experience. If he doesn't add anything to the Chapter, then by all means, don't include him at all. It's irrelevant if he didn't have an instrumental impact on the Chapter, and often times I enjoy reading articles that don't mention the first Chapter Master at all, as that space is filled with more information on the Chapter, and less on Carneus Malgar.

[Aurelius Rex]

Good to see you again, schoon. Hey - this thread is so old that I gave feedback on it back when I was still a Liber Astartes mod! :yes:

 

Back on-topic, the colourscheme seems a little busy for a basic trooper. I was going to say the yellow on the hands and knees seemed to detract, but then I use different colour gauntlets and ornament the knees for my Scions of Dorn, so that probably isn't a great example to use. :lol:

 

Regards,

Aurelius.