Grand Master Belial Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 CHAPTER I It was quiet on the walkway above the yard of the old manufactorium. Abandoned long ago for reasons only few know, this is now the playground for the forgotten youth of the ancient city and gangs from the Hive city that loomed to the North. However, the walkway was occupied by someone who was anything but young. A solitary figure stood silently on the walkway taking in the surroundings; nothing but an empty floor that once housed large machines. Content that the area was deserted for the time being, he headed into the sanctum of a long dead administratum. Inside, there was nothing but an ancient steelwood table and stool on a strewn floor of old parchment. There was a doorway leading into a back area where a sleeping palette lay on the ground. The man went to a large tome that sat in between two candlesticks on the table. He wrote an entry and began preparations to retire for the evening. As he kneeled in supplication for prayer, something in the air triggered his senses. Someone was approaching. He silently returned to his lookout post near the covered walkway. On the ground below, a boy walked cautiously onto the manufactorium floor. He wore the markings of a local gang known to fight over this area. The boy looked young but had a physique that suggested a hard life of labor. The boy carried an old shotgun in dire need of repair, but the boy clutched it so tight that his knuckles were white. It looked as if the boy was sent out on a Trial to claim his spot in the gang. As he watched the boy from his perch, he registered another presence. His senses led his eyes across the floor to a form moving silently above the boy in the shadows of the catwalks. It was taller and it was armored. The slender form stalked the boy in the shadows until he came under the walkway. Silently, instincts tuned to battle took over and the hunter itself was being hunted as the cloaked figure crawled along a higher catwalk over the floor until he was over the armored form below. The boy continued right down the middle of the manufactorium oblivious of the danger that was targeting him from above. The boy came upon the portal marking the end of the manufactorium and found it locked, as he turned around to go back the armored form dropped out of the shadows but not out of the figure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlyinS Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 Good beginning. Nice and dark. It makes you want to read more, and that's the most important thing. My only constructive criticisms. Less repetition. For example. It was quiet on the walkway above the yard of the old manufactorium. The manufactorium was abandoned long ago for reasons only few now know. he headed into the sanctum of a long dead administratum. The sanctum overlooked an empty floor that once housed large machines. Inside the sanctum, there was Just try using a few other words to replace the repetition is all. Second just a few grammatical or spelling erorrs, nothing major at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valaris Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 So, why is he here and what is he looking for? Or is this just another stop on his run from justice? ^_^ Good start. Nice flow. And yes, once you have established a location it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battle brother gerardis Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Pretty good start, looking forward to reading more. With all the DA fiction in this forum, we could put it all into one BIG book. Gerardis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlameMasterDragon Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 i wish yuo would, i would certainly buy it. Anyway, what a GREAT opening, cant wait for the next installment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master Belial Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 So, why is he here and what is he looking for? Or is this just another stop on his run from justice? ^_^ Good start. Nice flow. And yes, once you have established a location it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master Belial Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 +++ EDITED: Chapter I is now seamless.+++ Belial Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valaris Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 A temple to a squad of Fallen? Interesting idea. I like the tempo. Slow and descriptive is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battle brother gerardis Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Wow, it really draws you in. I want more. Gerardis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlyinS Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Nice work Belial - more descriptive than the first part, makes you really able to see whats happening. Please, more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
==Me== Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Very, very good :) I love the rich description, I wish I could write that well ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master Belial Posted August 18, 2005 Author Share Posted August 18, 2005 Thanks! Another slow day of work. Another day of work on the story. Continuing on... +++ EDITED: Linked to previous section. +++ ENJOY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Icehornet Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 What ever you do for a living mate....Quit and become a writer. You'll be loaded within a week! Thats great stuff mate. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinobi_soldier Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Nice, i like your writing style, its very descriptive, suiting for such a dark, grim story. Good Work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master Belial Posted August 19, 2005 Author Share Posted August 19, 2005 CHAPTER II The size of the hive city from the settlement was an illusion. The sheer size from a distance never revealed just how big the city was or actually, how far away it was. Leviticus had traveled nine days through the arid expanse to close in on the hive city. On the morning of the tenth day, he approached the exterior wall of the hive city. Decades of rust and filth caked the massive walls of the hive. I became apparent that the lower levels have been abandoned leaving it to be infested by any manner of filth. With a look of disgust, he approached the massive gate in the side of the hive. The amount of rust and corrosion gave the doors a look of being melted. Only in the recesses was there any of the original paint found to suggest that this gate had seen better days. This gate let in all the food-stock from the planet to feed the teeming millions of people inside the hive as well as to be sent off world to feed people on other worlds. Then underground below the gate the hive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battle brother gerardis Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 Don't keep us waiting too long. I'm a very impatient person. People call it a flaw, I call it a skill. Gerardis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dassan Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 That's a fantastic story, you can really feel the tragedy. He's a loner who just want's to return to his fellow brothers instead of being hunted all the time. It's great I can't wait until you write the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valaris Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 Take your time. I'd rather read a few good line then many hastily written ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erasmus Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Top story mate. I like alot. Are you going to try and get it published? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master Belial Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 Top story mate. I like alot. Are you going to try and get it published? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> From all the responses I have received here, it looks like I'll have to publish it. As long as you all keep inspiring me to work on it more and more. Belial Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master Belial Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 Very good. You have managed to do more than impress me, you have actually made me think. Is this fallen angel even cooler than Grendelwulf. Nooo, surely not. Well, Levictus has really made an impact on me and with time, may well surpass the mighty Grendelwulf. I know Grendelwulf will have something to say about this (that is the plan you see, hopefully this will draw Grendelwulf out and deliver us some more equally awesome tales). Gerardis <{POST_SNAPBACK}> And he's the one who poked me into putting this on B&C! I hope he'll take enough time to read this. Perhaps, I will get permission from him to make a cameo appearance. I am also debating the possibility of having some Knights of the Order in here somewhere. Perhaps, before Leviticus tries to leave the planet. Thanks all for the uplifting comments! I'll keep writing if you'll keep reading. Belial Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eloies Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Really good! I love your way to write it's reminde me of the game FREELANCER for some reason... And I'd loved that game! Anyway in this section: Like a bolt of lightning, the large man grabbed one of the electro-prods and pulled the man on the other end towards him. The pain received by the electro-prod never registered on the robed figure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CDR Grendelwulf Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Grand Master Belial Aug 16 2005, 04:26 PM Post #1 CDR Grendelwulf, you wanted it. You've got it. Bravisomo! It really draws the reader into it. I knew you had something like this in you... :) battle brother gerardis Posted Yesterday, 08:59 AM I know Grendelwulf will have something to say about this (that is the plan you see, hopefully this will draw Grendelwulf out and deliver us some more equally awesome tales). All part of your cunning plan, eh? :lol: Leviticus is definitely 'Book of Salvation' material! Grand Master Belial Posted Yesterday, 09:05 AM And he's the one who poked me into putting this on B&C! I hope he'll take enough time to read this. Perhaps, I will get permission from him to make a cameo appearance. I am also debating the possibility of having some Knights of the Order in here somewhere. Perhaps, before Leviticus tries to leave the planet. I would be honoured for you to write a cameo of 'CDR G', as long as you don't disrupt the flow of your story. It should probably be before his encounter with Cypher written here. Keep writing! Ciao, CDR Grendelwulf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master Belial Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 Eloies, I cut out the repetitive use of "Robed figure." CDR Grendelwulf, THANK YOU! I will allow the two characters to cross paths. Leviticus knows little about the happenings of Cypher and will not stop Grendelwulf from his own quest against Cypher. I am leaning against bringing in Cypher. Better to keep him a mystery. Time to get back to writing (and working). It's high time I get a few more people involved in Veteran Sergeant's life. Belial Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master Belial Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 CHAPTER III Leviticus approached the Workers Hibernacula in Gold 74. Beside the hatch in the wall, was a barred window that held a sign in Low Gothic below. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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