Shinzaren

I hate you so much Lysimachus. So much. Man, this is another brilliant IA. Well written and well thought out. I only wonder about what the possible effects building the new Chapel/Shrine on top of such a tainted site would be? Any possible warp based corruption there?

I think the only issue I have with this article is one that Olisredan has already hit upon. The ruling of the sub-sector. The resources of a Sub-Sector or System are VAST, almost beyond imagination. The amount of manpower, firepower, and wealth that rests in the hands of the ruler of a System is large, comparable at times to the might of entire chapters of Space Marines, more so in an economic sense. The dictates of the Codex Astartes prevent the commanding of Guard or PDF regiments because of the fear of one man acquiring too much power and becoming a threat to himself and the Imperium. When you talk about running a system and being granted the rule of a system, that entails the command of all Guard regiments raised by the native worlds, a portion of all planetary tithes, the authority over local governors and their PDF regiments, and the local Naval assets assigned to the sector. That is a LOT of authority, especially when coupled with the 1000 marines already waiting for their Master's command to be unleashed. The Imperium does not one person to have that much power, excepting the HIgh Lord of Terra. They aren't comfortable with anything that is large enough to threaten them.

Their gene-seed issue seems relatively minor, in the grand scheme of bad mutations. You don't have six inch long fangs, or a blood craze, or bony spikes coming out of your elbows, so I think you're doing okay. However, you do make mention of their battles with the Eldar, and their hunt for Jaghatai Khan. I think you should expand on this, as this is what the defining thing to your chapter is. Without something to really separate them, I don't quite understand what they do exactly. I know they have cool brotherhoods and different clans based on worlds, and that is really interesting, but it doesn't tell me what they do. Who they are. What defines them as a chapter. If they are hurtling defective marines in the Webway to hunt down their primarch, that is cool. That is unique. That is awesome. Let's see more of that. I want to see more of that aspect, as it is the unique thing that makes the Guardians of Midas who they are.

Actually, the Space Marine chapters are limited in their ability to use Battleships, as dictated by the divisions of power in the Codex. This keeps any one chapter from every posing the threat that the Legions did, which is the same reason they cannot command and raise Guard battalions. Also, the chapters you use as reference in upsetting the Inquisition are all First Founding chapters with huge amounts of sway in the Imperium. Their history and their alliances and brotherhoods go back 10k+ years, so they get a little more leeway than the average chapter. Plus, trying to bring war to a first founding chapter would require more influence than any one or group of Inquisitors possess. Other chapters don't have nearly that level of influence and prestige and are much more subject to the scrutiny of the Inquisition. EDIT: All that aside, you raise a good plan with the secret Mechanicum alliance. That could definitely patch some holes in the idea of denying info the Inquisition, but it doesn't work if the Void Wraiths want to hide their secrets from the AdMech as well. If not, it could totally work.

That would work for awhile, but eventually Mars will get curious if you don't turn in any tithes at all. It's a short-term solution, since eventually you will be required to tithe. At least that is how I would see that. Tithes are mandatory but Mars is way behind and backlogged and a million other things, but eventually they will realize you haven't tithed in 3000 years and get a little curious. EDIT: Plus he states that the Inquisition is already on his case and watching his every move. They would definitely be required to tithe, as the Inquisition is already suspicious of them. If they were any other run of the mill Chapter than they would be ok, but since they are already under suspicion and being tested thoroughly, their gene-seed tithes would not be something they'd be allowed to shirk.

The idea of them discovering a dead world definitely has appeals/parallels to Mass Effect. Like the vanished colonies, the Marines arrive late to the party and are left to pick through the rubble. To give them a definitive scale of threat, you could have a battlefield littered with empty armor of other Space Marines and Baneblade Tanks, their organic and biological material all drained to feed the Hive. The Apocaplypse books give some cool indications of how a Hive fleet consumes a world, and I will look into them when I get home to see if I can help there. What I remember for sure is that any form of organic material is stripped away, and the planet is transformed into a spawning pool for future Nids. Think Zerg and Char from SC 1&2 (appropriate, since the Nids are the basis of the Zerg). When the fleet moves on, the world just pumps out more NIds until all genetic material and biological/organic matter is used up. The world is then truly dead, devoid of atmosphere, any and all life, and ability to ever support life again. When they return to their chapter for findings, have them follow the path of dead worlds, eventually coming on either a recently conquered/still Nid infested world, or a world on the edges of the invasion that is suffering pre-invasion attacks/minor raids from splinter factions. This allows them to confront the enemy for real and get a true sense of the Horror the Nids represent. Especially a recently conquered world. The bulk of the Hive could have moved on, leaving just enough Nids to defend the spawning pools. Your lads come in with a hail of gunfire and finally realize what they are up against. They may or may not win, but either way, they are too late to save the world and the Nids have already fed. This could really drive home the point that the Nids are biggest, the baddest, the toughest threat ever, and your lads have to sacrifice anything to stop them. That's my 2 cents on the topic. I am hugely interested in seeing how this progresses Messor, since you have a lot of great ideas you are incorporating.

Well, since it would be a relatively new event for the Imperium, being one of the earliest Tyranid actions, they could approach however they pleased. Also, you could definitely incorporate the Nids as the Reapers, since the chapter shifts from paragon defenders of humanity to evil/pseudo evil villians willing to sacrifice anything. Also, the tech aspect could be incorporated as well. They could see the Reapers/Nids absolute control via the Hive Fleet and desire it for themselves. By experimenting on the Geneseed with Tyranid genes they can unlock new abilities/dangers, as well as making sure that their "control" over these test subjects was absolute. This would lead to multiple circumstances of mutation/dangers, all very much like the risks Cerebus and TIM are willing to take. New psychic abilities could be unlocked, as well as abilities like control over lesser Nid beasts. They could be so focused on defeating the Nids that they don't realize the damage they are causing to the Imperium as a whole. Lastly, the Nids present the classic Out of Context Villain that the Reapers so clearly represent. The galaxy is at war with Villains of every sort, but it isn't remotely ready for world devouring hives from beyond the known galaxy. Seriously, entire Space Marine Chapters go up against this monster and are destroyed and it just keeps coming.

Boom! Nids! You know it's good if Octavulg agrees with me. That alone is rare enough to make the idea a winner.

Not Necrons, Nids. They could be harvesting unique genetic specimens to grow the Hive's abilities. I dunno about the timing, but the Nids fit more as an enemy to match the Collectors. Whole colonies/worlds disappear without a trace. No one has a clue. Also, perhaps you could implement the CAT6 connection to Cerberus that ME3 opened. They utilize those deemed unfit/unsafe/incapable of duty. Perhaps they utilize their failed applicants in some twisted manner? Also, if you wanted to get really dirty, you could be secretly recruiting the unwanted of other chapters/organizations? Curing/manipulating gene-seed definitely seems right up the Illusive Man's alley, especially if it comes at the cost of his troops well-being? After all, it's the results he is interested in, he doesn't care about the human cost.

Edited. Gotcha. Tried to rewrite it a bit to make them more aggressive. Alrighty. I can rework that section a bit. Alrighty. I'll try and work in some examples of them getting a beat down for awhile. Alrighty, alrighty. I yield. It prolly won't be there in the next draft. T Alright, this can definitely get some reworkage. I like the idea of viewing them as an infestation. :P Gotcha. Some of it is creative hyperbole. God-Shard and God are fairly close. Agreed, I reworked the sidebar. Easy enough. Something mysterious. I can remove that. Not a big issue. Alrighty :) Ok, I can definitely work with that. I will rewrite that in the next edit. Hopefully it makes a little more sense on the next read through. Thanks Octy!

Thanks. Took long enough to come to a perfectly obvious solution. True, he'd be dead already for allying with the Eldar. Speeches to the soon to be dead always fall on deaf ears... Yeah, that's a hold over from a time before names and such. Haha, nice. I can certainly change that. It's not super important to me one way or the other, and it is an easy fix. Noted. Although infantile was the idea. They were giant baby-faced kids who got their lunch money taken by the Eldar, after which they pooped a little. Enter war montage where they get tough and take on said bully. Kidding aside, I'll work on it The idea here is that they're sneaky and the marines aren't really good at Hide-And-Go-Seek yet. Although I do like your idea about bypassing all the problems with fighting Eldar by heading straight for the throat. I wanted to give the feeling that they were off doing stuff, and someone gave them an order to go clear out the neighboring system because the Eldar were making a muck of it.They weren't really going to that system on their own, because they had their own stuff to do. But, they got orders, so they saddle up and try and fix the system. However, by the time they got there, everything was pure chaos. People starving, no trade, worlds isolated and preyed upon. Just a mess. So, they started with the obvious things, food, trade, supplies. They didn't really have any experience personally in the area, so they just started with what they knew. I can work on it. I am remembering the advice you gave me about Hatred. This was written shortly after you had me rea, "I have no mouth and I must scream." I was trying to justify that level of hatred. Having the marines defending a system didn't seem like it would be enough. They would have regular old marine levels hatred, sure, but I wanted them to have that burning hatred that blinds them to everything but the foe. I don't really have a good way/reason for them to hate the Eldar with all their souls. Check the earlier posts. That has been there for years. Literally. It was a suggestion from Sigismund Himself, who said he'd name an Inquisitor after me if I could pull it off haha. You clearly disagree with him haha. I rather liked it. It will go if I decide to have the Chapter be the aggressors. The Sons were stretched thin, fighting a defensive war against the Eldar all over the system. They were not winning. Plus, the Eldar are sneaky. They hid behind some moon so they couldn't be found. The marines are the losers at this point. The lucky underdogs! Everyone loves a lucky underdog! Kidding aside, I needed a reason for them to get their asses kicked a little, and I really liked the idea of a crazy old man trying to talk to the moon. Adapting could be changed. More like surviving. Tactics forged in fire and all that. They had to learn to survive, and this was the ultimate school in sneaky warfare. Also, nothing I could find says they know. My Eldar codexes say it is a super closely guarded secret, and the Imperial ones never mention it to my knowledge. If they knew it would be HUGELY helpful to me, since they could focus out of the gate. It was the random chance that helps the IA conform to the more general universe, since I didn't really know. Yeah, rereading it I certainly notice how it reads. I can certainly adjust that. The marines don't know that. This 20ft tall fire demon appeared and laid waste to everything. For all they know, he is Khaine. They're new to the whole Avatar thing, and I imagine that he makes a pretty big impression... DOH! Totally forgot the Webway! Durh. Yeah, I think I will take out the Homeworld sidebar where it just repeats what I say in the main section and make that a blurb about the time period immediately following the big battle. Its a better use of the space and I can use it to better establish ties with other Imperial organizations and better establish their antagonistic relationship with the Eldar. It's a big deal yo! Craftworlds and what not, all up in this place! Not something that happens everyday. Gotta make sure people are aware. They live on an Eldar Spaceship/Planet/Moon/Deathstar. Thanks I'll remove the dialogue haha. These are perfidious aliens with perfidious alien tech! This can't be regular vengeance! This has to be elaborate super-villain vengeance beyond the abilities of mankind! They are evil Eldar and stuff! So adding the Tesla tanks to the armory is a no go...? Darn. I'll rework to make it a bit easier. Yeah, I felt like the section was too short otherwise. I can see about reworking it a bit. It's the fuel economy. The Predator is such a gas hog. The Rhino gets like 6 mpg! That's nearly 12 times what the Predator gets! You can't pass up the savings. Pays for itself in the long run... Plus, tanks are boring. Shooting your enemy with a tank is boring when you can get in his stupid elfy face and headbutt him. Them, They, Those, The People In The Know, Scholars, People Who Care About The Reason That The Sons of Lightning And The Eldar Hate Each Other. Honestly, it just sounds scholarly. I guess we could try? I don't even know how that would taste. I'll work in a bit about how they note how the Gems are psychic and are trying to discern the nature of the energy, perhaps turning it into a weapon or something equally vicious. They read and stuff? I dunno. I didn't really have a good gene-seed quote, and they are missing the Betcher's Gland. It worked. I could change E.C. to Bob, if that would help? * * * Only real issue I am having is developing their hatred for the Eldar without an outside motivator/event. Right now I have the betrayal of the Guardsmen, but I don't have a really good reason to hate the Eldar more than any other enemy of Mankind. I could definitely use some help there. Otherwise, I just need info on what Eldar fighting Humans looks like across the various battlefields, and more info about how much Mankind knows about the Eldar. Thanks for the feedback though sir, I will get started on it right away. Most of it anyway. I quite like some of it as is

Did the Inquisition fear them? Apparently they are/were the most psychic Chapter since the 1000 Sons, and we all know how that turned out. Was anyone investigating them before their issues became apparent? How famous were they exactly? This describes them as being well-known across the entire Realm of Man. Apparently everyone was in awe of these guys, from peasents to Governors? How did they get so famous? Winning battles is what Space Marines do, so how did your Chapter become famous amongst these storied legions of warriors? While awesome, this seems like a little too much awesome... Eldrard Uthren vs Montress the Golden. Who is better? This paragraph suggests that Montress would crush him like a gnat. I understand that the idea is to build his pride, skill, and arrogance up for the inevitable fall, but this is a lot of skill and pride. This is amazingly cool. Proud as Astartes are, does this lead to conflict with other chapters? With the Inquisition or the Church? Their views are unique, and in the Imperium, the unique nail gets hammered hardest... That whole sidebar was amazing. Seriously, a perfect addition to this IA. They don't look down on non-psykers? Seems like they would, since they see themselves as more evolved and closer to the Emperor for being psychic. Also, the whole eye-melting thing didn't change their views at all? They don't predict the strategies and outcomes of battles/wars? I would assume they would use their foresight most prevalently here, aiming to outmaneuver and prepare for the future of each fight? No shooting fire from their hands, lightning from their arse, and thunder from their eyes? If they were able to drag fighters from the skies, they clearly possess some offensive psychic talent. Why is it absent from here? If they keep burning out, why do they rely on them so heavily? Seems like an unreliable system. How do they combat foes like the Tyranids, Necrons, Daemons, and the like? What is their strategy against enemies that aren't vulnerable to psychic assault and whose actions can't be planned, or who suffer no psychological warfare effects? Again, what of enemies that can't be intimidated, frightened, etc? What do they do then? I like it Octy. Like all your IAs, I like it a lot, and it was hard to find anything to criticize. I tried to find something to ask about, but it was hard. Another well written IA. I like the psyker angle, and you have managed it well.

Okay, did a lot of various editing. Reread the whole thing aloud and tried to improve flow and wording across the board. Hopefully this flows better. I also reworked the name section, having the Emperor give them a little foreshadowing of what is to come. I think it works better and clears up the question of their name pre-battle. Looking forward to more Comments/Critiques. Thanks in advance, Shinz

Octy, I earnestly looked over this whole thing again, and I can't find anything that needs anything. I can't find a single thing I would even consider changing. Well done, good sir. Well done indeed. Shinz

This seems less like an homage to Mass Effect and more of a recreation of Mass Effect. The names are jarring to someone who has played a lot of the former. Some that I noticed: Akuze, Kai Leng, Kohaku, Grayson, Rho, Shanxi, and Saten Arterius. These aren't allusions to the game, or hints, they are direct takes from the Universe. While I appreciate the subtle nods, such as the loss/retaking of Shanxi, and the allusion to the Thresher Maw as a Tyranid scout, I found the rest a bit much. You are beating us over the head with the idea that this is a Mass Effect chapter. Subtle is good, obvious is less so. In addition, you seem to be making Janus out to be almost Godlike in his gifts. One lost squad doesn't equate to a new chapter being founded, not even a lost chapter does that. In addition, his subterfuge and lying seems like it could have been detected via Librarian. How does he shield himself during review/questioning? As of now, the Illusive Man just seems a bit much, the deception and trickery all seem like they are too good. Perhaps instead of maneuvering, sabotage, and betraying his fellow marines, have him be the newly formed Chapter Master of a new chapter, sans the deception. have him come face-to-face with a threat that makes him rethink his strategy and place in the Galaxy, a la Reapers. Then he can abandon the Codex and take up mad science in a hope to maneuver/control/defeat this new threat. Tyranids would be perfect. He can experiment with their biotechnology, try mind-control on them, and generally just be in that grey area of Maybe Evil/Maybe Desperate/ As time goes on, he could realize that more drastic measure are needed and them implement them? Overall, I really like the Mass Effect chapter and you have a lot really good ideas. I love the Cell idea for the Chapter, and I really like some of the more subtle allusions. However, the parts where you pull directly from your source material are a jarring break from the illusion you are crafting. I am looking forward to seeing more on these guys though, and I will be keeping my eye on how this develops.