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The Phantoms V3


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#26
Grand Admiral Thrawn

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As previously pointed out, you didn't name your Captains 'Khan.' As far as I can tell, they would receive this rank once they get to be captain status. Especially Letalis Certamen. He comes from the White Scars themselves. His name should be Letalis Khan or Certamen Khan. Khan Letalis Certamen reads weird.

Their combat doctrine is a lot like the Raven Guard's. Not very White Scar-esque. I believe that the point of doing White Scars or their successors is to play with bikes and make 'vroooom' sounds while you do it. I recommend to make them Raven Guard successors. Maybe Captain Certamen has trouble teaching his newly created chapter the fine art of stealth and ambush. Maybe he is a bad teacher but a better fighter in the field. That could help explain some heavy casualties early in their inception. Then he offers assistance to some Raven Guard, says "Do as they do" and presto (maybe not exactly like that).

Another belief is a rather peculiar one; one based on the Dreadnoughts. the Phantoms always honour a Chapter Ancient for his willingness to continue fighting for the Emperor. However the oddity is that the Phantoms aren't optimistic on becoming what they honour. Most Phantoms feel that being encased in a Dreadnought removes what every Phantom relies on - stealth and speed. Because of this there are very few Chapter Ancients in the Chapter, although this may change. Requested development into the structure of a Dreadnought has begun, with enquiries from Viktor on making the Dreadnoughts more manoeuvrable in battle and over terrain. So far it has been suggested that Chapter Ancients have legs shaped like those on an IG Sentinel, but the development is still in progress.

NOOOO! The White Scars do not have Dreadnoughts. Their belief is that the warrior's spirit shouldn't be confined to a sarcophagus, but roam free on the plains of Chogoris. It seems very likely that Cartemen would have passed this belief on to the Phantoms.

#27
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As previously pointed out, you didn't name your Captains 'Khan.' As far as I can tell, they would receive this rank once they get to be captain status. Especially Letalis Certamen. He comes from the White Scars themselves. His name should be Letalis Khan or Certamen Khan. Khan Letalis Certamen reads weird.

Yes but both your suggestions don't sound right either. Hence why I went with Captain.

Their combat doctrine is a lot like the Raven Guard's. Not very White Scar-esque. I believe that the point of doing White Scars or their successors is to play with bikes and make 'vroooom' sounds while you do it. I recommend to make them Raven Guard successors. Maybe Captain Certamen has trouble teaching his newly created chapter the fine art of stealth and ambush. Maybe he is a bad teacher but a better fighter in the field. That could help explain some heavy casualties early in their inception. Then he offers assistance to some Raven Guard, says "Do as they do" and presto (maybe not exactly like that).

May I refer one to a quote from another thread:

"Just because daddy has a tail doesn't mean you will too"

In other words, jsut because they're White Scars successor doesn't they have to be rogue bikers :unsure:

NOOOO!The White Scars do not have Dreadnoughts. Their belief is that the warrior's spirit shouldn't be confined to a sarcophagus, but roam free on the plains of . It seems very likely that Cartemen would have passed this belief on to the Phantoms.

Well that solves one problem, sorta. But I should point out that the Chapter became more Codex adherant when Kraw took over. So dreads came into the mix.

QUOTE (StrangeGuy @ Jan 28 2010, 02:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (Jonny the Space Marine)
-Don't like Vampires. If they "sparkle" though, my wife and 2 daughters just may take up 40K!

Vampires don't sparkle!!!! *ragefilledheadexplosion*

#28
Octavulg

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Yes but both your suggestions don't sound right either. Hence why I went with Captain.


His suggestions have the advantage of being right within the universe. Yours doesn't.

In other words, jsut because they're White Scars successor doesn't they have to be rogue bikers


True. But you need a reason why they're not, which you don't have.

Well that solves one problem, sorta. But I should point out that the Chapter became more Codex adherant when Kraw took over. So dreads came into the mix.


The beliefs the White Scars have in relation to Dreadnoughts are rather more akin to religious beliefs than tactical ones.

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#29
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His suggestions have the advantage of being right within the universe. Yours doesn't.

rats >< honestly I don't like the term.

True. But you need a reason why they're not, which you don't have.


I thought I showed that alright IMHO in the combat doctrine... :P

The beliefs the White Scars have in relation to Dreadnoughts are rather more akin to religious beliefs than tactical ones.

Hmmm, if that be the case, should I still have dreads or not?

QUOTE (StrangeGuy @ Jan 28 2010, 02:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (Jonny the Space Marine)
-Don't like Vampires. If they "sparkle" though, my wife and 2 daughters just may take up 40K!

Vampires don't sparkle!!!! *ragefilledheadexplosion*

#30
Ferrus Manus

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Hmmm, if that be the case, should I still have dreads or not?

Depends on whether your chapter has a viable reason not to. Do they have a religious reason not to? Or do they just not use them as they don't fit with their fluid style of warfare?
 
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#31
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Depends on whether your chapter has a viable reason not to. Do they have a religious reason not to? Or do they just not use them as they don't fit with their fluid style of warfare?

It's more the second option of the two Ferrus. However I was thinking to have like two styles of dread's if I got some - CC dreads with Sentinel legs, and other being like Hellfire Dreads on DOW.

QUOTE (StrangeGuy @ Jan 28 2010, 02:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (Jonny the Space Marine)
-Don't like Vampires. If they "sparkle" though, my wife and 2 daughters just may take up 40K!

Vampires don't sparkle!!!! *ragefilledheadexplosion*

#32
Ferrus Manus

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I would suggest that maybe they have Dreadnoughts, but very very few. In which they are only ever awakened in time of a crisis for the chapter, i.e if their home system was invaded or a chapter-wide deployment is nessecary.
 
My WIP Space Marine Chapter

#33
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I would suggest that maybe they have Dreadnoughts, but very very few. In which they are only ever awakened in time of a crisis for the chapter, i.e if their home system was invaded or a chapter-wide deployment is nessecary.

That would make sense, a lot of sense. Thanks :P

QUOTE (StrangeGuy @ Jan 28 2010, 02:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (Jonny the Space Marine)
-Don't like Vampires. If they "sparkle" though, my wife and 2 daughters just may take up 40K!

Vampires don't sparkle!!!! *ragefilledheadexplosion*

#34
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Did you want me to try re-writing the 3rd version? Or would you like to cut and paste the two together to make 3.5?

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#35
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You can if you want to, by all means :D

QUOTE (StrangeGuy @ Jan 28 2010, 02:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (Jonny the Space Marine)
-Don't like Vampires. If they "sparkle" though, my wife and 2 daughters just may take up 40K!

Vampires don't sparkle!!!! *ragefilledheadexplosion*

#36
Nekhemebet

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They're like a better version of the ravenguard. I'm liking this chapter.

#37
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Thank you very much :) at some point I'll get round to finishing the actual IA and submitting it

QUOTE (StrangeGuy @ Jan 28 2010, 02:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (Jonny the Space Marine)
-Don't like Vampires. If they "sparkle" though, my wife and 2 daughters just may take up 40K!

Vampires don't sparkle!!!! *ragefilledheadexplosion*

#38
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Thought I'd bump this one last time. I've filled out the Organisation section and in the process of sending it off to the Librarium.

Hurrah ^_^

QUOTE (StrangeGuy @ Jan 28 2010, 02:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (Jonny the Space Marine)
-Don't like Vampires. If they "sparkle" though, my wife and 2 daughters just may take up 40K!

Vampires don't sparkle!!!! *ragefilledheadexplosion*

#39
Sigismund Himself

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Here we go...

Throughout the article you use 2nd, 3rd etc. Since an IA is meant to be formal, you really need second, third etc.

You've named the 25th Founding in M40, something we don't know. Given that it could be anywhere from M37-M41, I think it would be wise to avoid naming any exact dates. Also, you've got them founded in M40 and then fighting the Tau straight away. The Imperium made first contact with the Tau in M41 and the first major Imperial action against them was in 742 M41.

You go into too much detail in the origins for the battle of Torrok.

The Silent Strike was the first of the two vessels, first acquired right upon the Chapter's creation. The Battlebarge itself has been slowly customised to suit the Phantoms needs; outfitted with much fire-power to combat against most if not all types of craft, particularly that of Tau aspect, which has been proven on countless occasions to work to great effect.
The Defender is the newer of the two Battlebarges and has been adapted for a more defensive approach. The vessel has been fitted with thicker armour and a stronger hull to cope with higher rates of attack. The ship itself has become more of a sanctuary for the Chapter rather than a ship of war; due its reduced speed and pace it hasn't been used in battle as frequent as The Silent Strike, however it has proven to be an effective ship to draw fire away from a planet.
Along with the fleet is the few Strike Cruisers Certamen's Revenge, Jeriko's Carnage and The Bringer of Judgement; as well as the many Escorts that surround each of their large ships, providing protection and extra fire support at any and all times.

Too much detail for the main body of the IA. Maybe in a sidebar but not here.

Generally, throughout the article there is too much little details and not enough of a core theme. The article needs to be pruned back to focus more on the chapter's theme and less on these little things. It wanders too much currently. It's too hard to get an idea of their core theme. If you fix that up, the IA will be a lot more solid and read a lot better.

#40
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I've been waiting patiently for this, so thanks for taking th time out to review it ^_^

Throughout the article you use 2nd, 3rd etc. Since an IA is meant to be formal, you really need second, third etc.

Sorted out.

You've named the 25th Founding in M40, something we don't know. Given that it could be anywhere from M37-M41, I think it would be wise to avoid naming any exact dates. Also, you've got them founded in M40 and then fighting the Tau straight away. The Imperium made first contact with the Tau in M41 and the first major Imperial action against them was in 742 M41.

The date I got from the Timeline that's on the site actually. Had to make sure it was at least half-right before slotting it in. If it's vague then I'll rewrite something.
As for the Tau encounter, it looks like I'll need to clarify dates for that too.

You go into too much detail in the origins for the battle of Torrok.

Trouble is I didn't want it to be vague there either. I still think of it as more a turning point so it should be there...

The Silent Strike was the first of the two vessels, first acquired right upon the Chapter's creation. The Battlebarge itself has been slowly customised to suit the Phantoms needs; outfitted with much fire-power to combat against most if not all types of craft, particularly that of Tau aspect, which has been proven on countless occasions to work to great effect.
The Defender is the newer of the two Battlebarges and has been adapted for a more defensive approach. The vessel has been fitted with thicker armour and a stronger hull to cope with higher rates of attack. The ship itself has become more of a sanctuary for the Chapter rather than a ship of war; due its reduced speed and pace it hasn't been used in battle as frequent as The Silent Strike, however it has proven to be an effective ship to draw fire away from a planet.
Along with the fleet is the few Strike Cruisers Certamen's Revenge, Jeriko's Carnage and The Bringer of Judgement; as well as the many Escorts that surround each of their large ships, providing protection and extra fire support at any and all times.

Too much detail for the main body of the IA. Maybe in a sidebar but not here.

Put that into a sidebar. Hope that's alright

Generally, throughout the article there is too much little details and not enough of a core theme. The article needs to be pruned back to focus more on the chapter's theme and less on these little things. It wanders too much currently. It's too hard to get an idea of their core theme. If you fix that up, the IA will be a lot more solid and read a lot better.

Again to the themes... this was the problem last time if I'm right in saying ^_^ I dunno it's like I have trouble trying to bring it out without having doing something else to show it...

QUOTE (StrangeGuy @ Jan 28 2010, 02:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (Jonny the Space Marine)
-Don't like Vampires. If they "sparkle" though, my wife and 2 daughters just may take up 40K!

Vampires don't sparkle!!!! *ragefilledheadexplosion*