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Inspiration Friday 2016: Thousand Sons (until 1/13)

- - - - - Inspiration Friday Inspiration Friday 2016 fanfiction Chaos Writing

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#126
Teetengee

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BONUS ROUND!!!!

I wrote this almost a year ago near the end of ETL V, so I am not submitting it for scoring, I'll be back later for that.


Marn, the Rustmad, the Blind Prophet of Decay
 
Hidden Content

 
Hidden Content

My Chaos WIP Thread (Bigger Pics and Foul Xenos offsite) Hall of Honour, My Storm Reavers (DIY SM Chapter) Story, My Chaos 7.5 Homebrew Codex Thread
In us burns a fire for vengeance that will only be quenched when we stand triumphant over the smoldering ruins of Terra. Our laughter on that day will haunt their survivors till the end of time. We will stride forth victorious through the shattered gates of their fortress, holding high aloft the defiled corpse of their rotting god as our prize.
Wulfkry, on 02 Jul 2013 - 3:38 PM, said: So an inquisitor is receiving SM implants using GK geneseed stolen off the fields of armageddon interesting..
Captain Semper, on 29 May 2015 - 4:10 AM, said: There is crazy and there is Teetengee crazy... ph34r.pngnuke.gif

Warsmith Aznable, on 30 Jan 2016 - 01:16 AM, said: 13. Teetengee wrote "Warp Born" and I won't even go into how disturbing the subject matter was.
The Psycho, on 26 Apr 2016 - 10:50 PM, said: That's either really disturbing or really cute, I haven't quite made up my mind yet.

gallery_48988_15465_38466.pngR9n4SPM.pngCall_of_Chaos_9_Medal_02.gifsml_gallery_29004_12090_4775.pngETL_Medal_04.giffriday-award.pngx9we_badge_teetengee.pnggallery_29004_10514_2007.jpggallery_29004_10514_234.jpggallery_48988_6285_1348.png

I'm not dead, and I like 8th better than 7th.


#127
Carrack

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So I'm left with the difficult task of picking a winner for this challenge. My usual disclaimer about my lack of education, sophistication, and table manners applies. So who wins the Inspirational Friday challenge, and gets the task of picking next week's winner, who should I give the honor?

-"To the strongest". -Ancient Terran Warlord

But who will that be....


Equally difficult is offering feedback. I'm a fan of this contest, and look forward to reading every story submitted. I also genuinely liked the stories I read this contest, each and every one of them. Then there is the fact that these are people's labors of love, not job or school assignments, and I feel like criticism of such can easily be taken personally. Yet feedback is important to me, I want tough feedback so I can improve, and I can't expect others to give it to me if I'm not willing to give it myself. So my intention is not to offend, I genuinely liked every story I read, and see my disclaimer about the value of my opinion here.

Captain Malachi
Spoiler


Sitnam
Spoiler


Carrack. Hey that's me. It's probably unnecessary, but I'll include my self critique here.
Spoiler


Diabolist
Spoiler


Kierdale
Spoiler




Scourged
Spoiler


Teetengee
Spoiler



The winner is Diabolist.

Edited by Carrack, 05 March 2016 - 05:03 AM.


#128
Warsmith Aznable

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I was too busy to get in on time this week, but I still want to participate in the campaign narrative overall, so here is my out-of-competition entry for “Open Moves.”

I hope you like it.

An Unexpected Party

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The Iron Hounds (CSM) project log here & IA here. | Our Martyred Lady (SoB) project log here  | Lamenters (BA) WIP thread here.

Index of Inspiration Friday entries here.

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"Three times faster than the usual Warsmith."


#129
Thedarkprincesnun

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heres my out of time Entry for opening moves it will be a story of a alliance between my Nurgle Warband and my Word Bearers
Assault on Castelax IX
[/spoiler/]
Jurgal stood there his bloodied daemon chain axe in his left hand, he was panting breathing heavily the workout his body had just endured was tiring but alas while he was a first acolyte of the Word Bearers and a captain of his chapter he was also a favoured champion of the Blood God and with that came high expectations. Looking around the room with the exception of the Dark Mechanicus training robots which he had slaughtered mercilessy, leaving leaked oil fluids and their mechanical corpses all over the ground the room was pretty bare. Jurgal shook his head for the Blood god had granted him a vison showing him the future, or part of it anyway. He saw himself slaughtering a combined force of Iron Hands and Ultramarines.

Suddenly the door opened a short hooded figure walked in. "My Lord the Dark Apostle requests your presence at the Briefing Chamber. It seems the chapter master has planned a assault and he would like you to lead it." Said the hooded figure. Jurgal sighed "very well i will come." Said Jurgal.

[/spoiler/]

#130
Captain Malachi

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+ I like your take on the round table. I think it is a fitting adaption of the original concept, that aligns better with my view on human, and post human nature.

+ The whole council idea is something I wished I had thought of myself. I like the possibilities it provides of shifting leadership of the chapter from time to time without burning the bridge of killing off the former leader.

+ The plotting and scheming was in my opinion, just the right amount, not to much that leaves me wondering how the chapter functions as a unit, but enough to portray the power struggles inherent to our faction.

Thank you. smile.png

 

- No action whatsoever. I understand that the nature of this challenge doesn't necessarily make for a wall to wall fight scene, but this story ultimately boiled down to a bunch of hardcore chaos marines sitting around a table talking. I'm counting this as a strike against this story.

 

I'm not disagreeing exactly here, I'm just curious where you think some action could have been included. Other than having Tyrannion go through with his attack, which would have had its own set of problems, any real action I can think of would have felt wholly out of place. Plus I was viewing this as more of a prologue to the next part, which will have plenty of action.

 

-Tyrranion's character. I understand that he is a bloodthirsty Khorne Lord, but his comments struck me as too tactically unsound to be coming from the mouth of an Astartes commander. He has a small role in this story, and not much time to develop beyond the most basic levels, but he seemed unbelievable.

Fair. I always struggle writing Khorne characters, and he's a perfect example of it.

 

-Maybe too many characters. Everyone had something to say, so it's not as if you introduced characters and left it at that, but some of them had little impact on the story. I got the impression that there was more to the council than the named characters, so some of them could have been left out and used later. Or maybe they will take a greater role in the next parts of the campaign? I'm not really sure about this, but it seemed that the story was a little crowded for its length.

In retrospect, I agree with this as well. The idea was to give an idea of how big the council is, but there were probably better ways to go about it. Some of them will return in some capacity for the next parts of the campaign, but probably not all of them (or at least not in a notable way, the whole warband is taking part to some extent) since, as you said, there's really too many characters for one story that really isn't going to be all that long at the end of the day, especially since the next part at least will introduce its own set of characters (although it should, in theory, be longer as well, so hopefully it won't feel as crowded).

 

Also I'm surprised you didn't mention how rushed the ending was, it certainly felt that way to me. tongue.png

 

 

Anyway, as for the current challenge, the only idea that's jumping out at me would 1) make for a really boring story and 2) give away something I don't want to give away yet. So, unless I can think of something else, I'll probably sit this one out.


Edited by Captain Malachi, 05 March 2016 - 10:39 AM.


#131
Teetengee

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-snip-
Teetengee

+Scale. This campaign seems like it is going to be quite epic in scale. I'm looking forward to next week's story.

+Fragment. I read the story and got a feel for Fragment as being an ancient and terrible evil, something apocalyptic.

+good set up. There are a lot of possibilities to go with for the next story, you can continue to go with a narrator close to the king, orchestrating the campaign, or pick any number of characters, and go into a narrower, but more in depth story.

-I'm confused. “King Escharon, the final continent will be locked into place in 32 plus or minus 2 minutes. By my calculations we should have two hundred and thirty seven days until it closes, with a margin of error of 5%. my best calculations have us coming out coreward in Pacificus Segmentum.”- I have no idea what this means. Is this the length of time the portal will be open? If so, what does the last sentence mean?

-Background. Most of the characters and groups I have read about before, either here or in the liber, but a little bit of a refresher, even a sentence or two, on the characters and units mentioned would have made this story better. I'll admit, I don't know what the right balance is on how much background should be given on previous stories, but this seemed too short to me. Maybe it's just my memory. 
-snip-

Fair assessments I think. I would be lying if I said I hadn't written it for largely any reason other than the idea of Fragment sounded cool in my head. As for the sentence that confused you, Escharon and his army don't know exactly where the portal will open to or for how long it will remain open; all they know is that it opens somewhere in realspace, somewhere near inhabited planets, every 626 years. So they just plan as best they can an assault with only the knowledge that the enemy is unlikely to expect them and that they are going to be able to deploy a large number of troops. Also, I totally dropped the ball on mentioning that Fragment is inhabited, oh well.


Edited by Teetengee, 05 March 2016 - 12:41 PM.

My Chaos WIP Thread (Bigger Pics and Foul Xenos offsite) Hall of Honour, My Storm Reavers (DIY SM Chapter) Story, My Chaos 7.5 Homebrew Codex Thread
In us burns a fire for vengeance that will only be quenched when we stand triumphant over the smoldering ruins of Terra. Our laughter on that day will haunt their survivors till the end of time. We will stride forth victorious through the shattered gates of their fortress, holding high aloft the defiled corpse of their rotting god as our prize.
Wulfkry, on 02 Jul 2013 - 3:38 PM, said: So an inquisitor is receiving SM implants using GK geneseed stolen off the fields of armageddon interesting..
Captain Semper, on 29 May 2015 - 4:10 AM, said: There is crazy and there is Teetengee crazy... ph34r.pngnuke.gif

Warsmith Aznable, on 30 Jan 2016 - 01:16 AM, said: 13. Teetengee wrote "Warp Born" and I won't even go into how disturbing the subject matter was.
The Psycho, on 26 Apr 2016 - 10:50 PM, said: That's either really disturbing or really cute, I haven't quite made up my mind yet.

gallery_48988_15465_38466.pngR9n4SPM.pngCall_of_Chaos_9_Medal_02.gifsml_gallery_29004_12090_4775.pngETL_Medal_04.giffriday-award.pngx9we_badge_teetengee.pnggallery_29004_10514_2007.jpggallery_29004_10514_234.jpggallery_48988_6285_1348.png

I'm not dead, and I like 8th better than 7th.


#132
sitnam

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Thank you for the Carrack, and I can agree with your cons. I wanted to introduce Clespa here primarily because I was invisioning her being the main character of this campaign arc. A big reason for a human being the main character is the Fiends run pretty similar to the Blood Pact, albeit with astartes in high command positions
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The Order of His Amethyst Heart
The Dancing Scythes Chapter

#133
Scourged

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Scourged
+Grim and Dark. I was just beginning to like Charos and Palamur, foolish me.

+Descriptions. Very descriptive. I especially liked the Thousand Sons ship, not only in the detail used to describe it, but how the viewer felt about it.

+Sharks with laser beams. There are some intricate and evil plans, an awesomely cool and evil lair in the Deception's Call, an extremely evil death ray, and excessive cruelty to underlings. I love the evilness of the Scourged in this story, it's more than enough to outweigh their tragic circumstances and be true villains.

-I'm still unsure of the reason for the alliance, the stated reason anyway. Why do the Thousand Sons say they need the Scourged? They are presented as two warbands on relatively equal footing, it seems to me that the Thousand Sons should be able to handle Ophiuchi on their own, I think this question should have been answered.

-The outcome is certain. One of your strengths as a writer is your ability to throw a good twist in the plot, especially at the end. However, the "gift" of the Scourged is what defines them, so whatever happens on Ophiuchi, I can't see how they could succeed in lifting the curse. I think an unattainable goal detracts from the story.

 

Many thanks for the kind words and positive feedback.

 

And no worries - the story isn't finished. Just because Charos and Palamur are down doesn't mean they're out. Their fates are not yet sealed. devil.gif

 

Reason for the alliance: I guess I should probably illustrate that more, yeah. I touched on it some, but not enough.

     Sektoth's reason: based on the Lexicanum and the Wikia, his methods are described as thus: "What happens next has never been the same twice. Sektoth tends to prefer tactics that turn his enemies on themselves." So, he's just using the Scourged for their weapon, as it fits his motives and desire for never repeating tactics.

     Scourged's reason: I guess it ended up being only a single line that got lost in the rest, but the key to the "cure" is that it's the combined knowledge of Ophiuchi AND what Sektoth knows. So it's only through collaboration that a solution will be found.

 

Outcome: You make a good point. Going into it as a reader, yeah, I can see what you mean. But that's kind of a statement you could make about ALL of the 40k fiction that exists, at least to me. When I pick up a Horus Heresy novel, I already know what's going to happen. We all do. So for me, it's not so much about the conclusion as to how we get there. I know Horus falls, I know Fulgrim turns, I know there's a slaughter as Istvaan, and I know the Eisenstein escapes... but I enjoy reading how it all happens and why it all happens. And please don't take this as I mean to say you're wrong - goodness no! I'm just stating my perspective is all. happy.png


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#134
Kierdale

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Carrack, thank you very much for the feedback.
I’ve actually gone back and edited my Opening Moves entry a little. Hopefully this clears up some of the points you made (I added a bit more about Qarasion’s recovery and exile being months after the attack on the maiden world and a bit more about the Eryines – yes, they’re Warp Talons – and their assault being the opening move of a campaign. I haven’t gone into more detail about that though as I want to keep the details of what they do on the craftworld for Part II).

#135
Carrack

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@Captain Malachi

As far as where to put action into the story, I'm not sure. Perhaps a flashback scene of a previous engagement with the enemy, but that may or may not be appropriate. Maybe a duel in the hall before the meeting, that the council stops, leaving the tension between two members. It was a great story, like the rest, but I was looking for ways that I thought the story could be improved upon. I'm by no means an expert, I was just offering my perspective.

I didn't think the ending was rushed, or more accurately, I thought it was rushed, but that didn't detract from the story. It just pointed to the council being a decisive body, not just a debate club.

I wouldn't give up on this challenge just because you don't want to throw off your warband's narrative. You can always pick a different warband, and do a one off story, and then have a character that may come in to play later. Another option would be to jump back in time for your warband and tell of a significant player in the background, either as a memory of one of the current members, or not.

#136
Captain Malachi

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As far as where to put action into the story, I'm not sure. Perhaps a flashback scene of a previous engagement with the enemy, but that may or may not be appropriate. Maybe a duel in the hall before the meeting, that the council stops, leaving the tension between two members. It was a great story, like the rest, but I was looking for ways that I thought the story could be improved upon. I'm by no means an expert, I was just offering my perspective.

Hmm, a duel before the meeting could have worked, yeah. Or perhaps more of a physical argument rather than an official duel, anyway. I'll bear that it mind in the future.

 

I didn't think the ending was rushed, or more accurately, I thought it was rushed, but that didn't detract from the story. It just pointed to the council being a decisive body, not just a debate club.

Heh, fair enough.

 

I wouldn't give up on this challenge just because you don't want to throw off your warband's narrative. You can always pick a different warband, and do a one off story, and then have a character that may come in to play later. Another option would be to jump back in time for your warband and tell of a significant player in the background, either as a memory of one of the current members, or not.

I actually did come up with an idea, but the words aren't flowing so I'm having a lot of trouble with it. With luck I'll be able to get it out at some point, we'll see. Or I might just leave that for another time and do a silly humour piece, who knows.


Edited by Captain Malachi, 08 March 2016 - 07:59 AM.


#137
Kierdale

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Bear in mind you have two weeks to do the current challenges. That should be plenty of time for an idea to brew. :)

#138
sitnam

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Bear in mind you have two weeks to do the current challenges. That should be plenty of time for an idea to brew. :)

Awesome, vecause i have like three ideas brewing for my bio of Tomasz and I cant fricking pick one yet. Hell I just came up with a new warband idea completely unrelated to my Fiends. Chaos Marines who still hold to the Imperial Truth. So they hate everyone.

if I can poll my fellow writers,what seems more interesting: Tomasz simply telling his story to Clespa, a conclave of Imperials detailing what they know of him, or a kinda omniprescent overview? Option 3 will give me the ability to tell stuff without worrying about character interactions, Option 1 lets me develop existing characters, and option 2 gives an outside perspective but wont let me realistically develop some of the secrets I'm shooting for
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The Order of His Amethyst Heart
The Dancing Scythes Chapter

#139
Teetengee

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Prince of Eyes

Hidden Content

 

Format was weird and my thoughts were a bit scattered on this one, whatever, it should be weird enough.


My Chaos WIP Thread (Bigger Pics and Foul Xenos offsite) Hall of Honour, My Storm Reavers (DIY SM Chapter) Story, My Chaos 7.5 Homebrew Codex Thread
In us burns a fire for vengeance that will only be quenched when we stand triumphant over the smoldering ruins of Terra. Our laughter on that day will haunt their survivors till the end of time. We will stride forth victorious through the shattered gates of their fortress, holding high aloft the defiled corpse of their rotting god as our prize.
Wulfkry, on 02 Jul 2013 - 3:38 PM, said: So an inquisitor is receiving SM implants using GK geneseed stolen off the fields of armageddon interesting..
Captain Semper, on 29 May 2015 - 4:10 AM, said: There is crazy and there is Teetengee crazy... ph34r.pngnuke.gif

Warsmith Aznable, on 30 Jan 2016 - 01:16 AM, said: 13. Teetengee wrote "Warp Born" and I won't even go into how disturbing the subject matter was.
The Psycho, on 26 Apr 2016 - 10:50 PM, said: That's either really disturbing or really cute, I haven't quite made up my mind yet.

gallery_48988_15465_38466.pngR9n4SPM.pngCall_of_Chaos_9_Medal_02.gifsml_gallery_29004_12090_4775.pngETL_Medal_04.giffriday-award.pngx9we_badge_teetengee.pnggallery_29004_10514_2007.jpggallery_29004_10514_234.jpggallery_48988_6285_1348.png

I'm not dead, and I like 8th better than 7th.


#140
Scourged

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Turns out I came up with an idea after all. Besides, this thread always needs some Tzeentch love. Check it out.

 

Spoiler

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#141
Teetengee

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I like it scourged, but I was kind of expecting the Marrow to further be double crossed and for that to be the apotheosis causing moment for a greater lord. Still, the abuse of khorne worshipers was well done.


My Chaos WIP Thread (Bigger Pics and Foul Xenos offsite) Hall of Honour, My Storm Reavers (DIY SM Chapter) Story, My Chaos 7.5 Homebrew Codex Thread
In us burns a fire for vengeance that will only be quenched when we stand triumphant over the smoldering ruins of Terra. Our laughter on that day will haunt their survivors till the end of time. We will stride forth victorious through the shattered gates of their fortress, holding high aloft the defiled corpse of their rotting god as our prize.
Wulfkry, on 02 Jul 2013 - 3:38 PM, said: So an inquisitor is receiving SM implants using GK geneseed stolen off the fields of armageddon interesting..
Captain Semper, on 29 May 2015 - 4:10 AM, said: There is crazy and there is Teetengee crazy... ph34r.pngnuke.gif

Warsmith Aznable, on 30 Jan 2016 - 01:16 AM, said: 13. Teetengee wrote "Warp Born" and I won't even go into how disturbing the subject matter was.
The Psycho, on 26 Apr 2016 - 10:50 PM, said: That's either really disturbing or really cute, I haven't quite made up my mind yet.

gallery_48988_15465_38466.pngR9n4SPM.pngCall_of_Chaos_9_Medal_02.gifsml_gallery_29004_12090_4775.pngETL_Medal_04.giffriday-award.pngx9we_badge_teetengee.pnggallery_29004_10514_2007.jpggallery_29004_10514_234.jpggallery_48988_6285_1348.png

I'm not dead, and I like 8th better than 7th.


#142
Carrack

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Downcast Eyes
Spoiler


The story of Cancon and Garaduk is a major theme in my tale of the Assault of Calebra Hive found here
http://www.bolterand...-4#entry4223736

#143
Scourged

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I like it scourged, but I was kind of expecting the Marrow to further be double crossed and for that to be the apotheosis causing moment for a greater lord. Still, the abuse of khorne worshipers was well done.

 

Damn, yeah... that would have been great... turn it around, and it's that nameless lord who ends up ascending. Or the Whipser in his head was not a daemon, but just a different sorcerer screwin' with him. Ah, well... not all of my stories have to be filled with duplicitous lies and betrayals upon betrayals, heh. biggrin.png


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#144
Warsmith Aznable

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My entry for "Interview with a Daemon Prince" has call-backs to my "Interview with a Chaos Lord" story, "Tales of Hubris", and my much more recent judging of the Possessed entries.

 

Hidden Content

 

I was at work and this took longer than I thought it would, so maybe it is not as polished as I would like. I might tweek it later tonight.

 

Anyway, I hope you like it.


The Iron Hounds (CSM) project log here & IA here. | Our Martyred Lady (SoB) project log here  | Lamenters (BA) WIP thread here.

Index of Inspiration Friday entries here.

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"Three times faster than the usual Warsmith."


#145
Kierdale

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It has been brought to my attention that Diabolist is excommunicatus. I won't go into the details (IF is not the place) but once a member is banned, they stay banned.

Judging of this week's IF reverts to me.

#146
EesiOh

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It has been brought to my attention that Diabolist is excommunicatus. I won't go into the details (IF is not the place) but once a member is banned, they stay banned.

Judging of this week's IF reverts to me.

While this is probably not the place for it, could you elaborate even the tinniest bit upon the reason for his expulsion? From what i've seen B&C is a very chill place and I cant help but wonder how the hell one would maage to get oneself banned 


The Archangels: Scions of Sanguinious striving for perfection

 

The Impure: Not even the transhuman physiology of the Space Marines can save you from the zombie plague

 

The Silent Laughter: The road to damnation is paved with the best intentions 

 

 

 

gallery_48988_6285_81894.pngI gallery_63428_7083_6894.png


#147
Kierdale

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By breaking the forum rules which we all read when we signed up for the forum.
More than that I do not think is our business, nor is Inspiration Friday the place to discuss such matters. :)

#148
Excessus

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That's enough of that matter. Diabolist is excommunicatus because he completely ignored the rules we all play by.

 

I know people are curious, but be sure us mods are working hard so that everybody that actually follow the rules will have a good experience on these boards.

 

Not to mention it's a completely offtopic...topic... :P

 

 

Now go ahead and continue bringing your awesome inspirations into our world! Though I don't have much time to partake myself, I love to read the stories and fluff. :)


"Deception IS the point. Any fool can calculate strength. That one has been doing it from the moment he saw us. Now, he has to calculate what he can't see. And fear what he doesn't know."

Alpha Legion Cell #379, Thousand Sons and other friends - The corruption of cell #379
The Serpent's Lair - Alpha Legion Forum
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#149
Scourged

Scourged

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And now for something a bit more lighthearted...

 

So, for the last Interview topic I had the amusing idea to do a parody entry in addition to my regular one. I wasn't sure if I was going to do it again, but I came up with something fun last night on a whim and decided to write it out. So yeah, here's my bonus entry:

 

Spoiler

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#150
Kierdale

Kierdale

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Satyameva Jayate
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