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Index Astartes: Brotherhood of Dorn

Astartes space marines imperial fists successor

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#1
Brother Captain Alberic

Brother Captain Alberic

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  • Faction: Imperial Fists, Black Templars

Chapter Name: Brotherhood of Dorn

Progenitor Chapter: Imperial Fists

Founding: Possibly 14th 

Primarch: Rogal Dorn

Chapter Master: Dietrich Antioch

Homeworld: Draconis Secondus

Fortress Monastery: Eventide Bastion

Colours: White with Black arms and shoulders.

Symbol: White Clenched Gauntlet

Battle Cry: Bolter and Blade, We are One.

 

Records indicate the Brotherhood of Dorn were initially founded in aftermath of the reign of blood and the age of apostasy.  Originally the chapter was tasked with re taking the benighted Draconis sector which had been cut off by warp storms. Located in the north east of the eastern fringe, the sector held several highly populated hive worlds and two major Forge Worlds that until the Age of Apostasy had been highly successful at holding back the numerous dark threats that lurked within the Realm of Beasts, a region located on the rim ward edge of the sector.  The Reign of Blood had changed this however with many planets cut off from the wider Imperium by the spate of Warp Storms, becoming insular or even corrupt. It was at this point that numerous Ork war bands residing in the realm of beasts united in a great Waagh and quickly overwhelmed the distracted Imperial forces who promptly resorted to defending their own worlds at the expense of a united effort. 

 

The presence of the newly founded Brotherhood of Dorn and its core of Imperial Fist Veterans filled the sector’s leaders with fear of the Emperor’s retribution though his Angels of Death and quickly fell into line.  Only Draconis Primaris itself remained out of the crusade, Governor Tryst stating the worlds Guard forces were needed to quell an attempted coup by General Radren the leader of the Dragon Guard, Astra Militarum forces.  The nascent Chapter was led by Veteran Imperial Fist Captain and new Chapter Master, Godric Knull and alongside a contingent of Deathwatch who had been up till then fighting a desperate lone defence  began a great purge of the Greenskins.  Knull fought with the stubborn determination of any Imperial Fist but had brought with him many of his parent Chapters best Swordsmen and with the combined force of Bolter and Blade the Ork’s were gradually pushed back.  Eventually Knull pushed the Orks back to their first beach head the mining world of Stormvald and alongside a Deathwatch Kill Team slew the Ork Warboss Defbringa and the unusually powerful weird boy that had been controlling him Mindsmasha.  The Ork horde then began to fight amongst themselves as several Orks tired to claim leadership allowing Astra Militarum forces to easily push the Orks from the world, the now once again independent war bands returning to the Realm of Beasts pursued by the Imperial Navy. 

 

Despite this victory Knull knew it was imperative the sector must be fortified against future invasions from the Orks, who could one day return in force.  The sector due to its position on the edge of the Imperium would always be vulnerable to being cut off and Knull knew it must become more self sufficient, so as the area would not come so close to defeat in future.  

 

Homeworld and Location

 

With their first campaign coming to an end it was imperative the Chapter established a Fortress Monastery in order to begin working with the Astra Militarum and Imperial Navy to improve the sector’s defences.  It was at this point that Knull was informed of the fall of Governor Tryst who had been revealed by the newly formed Ordo Hereticus to have been secretly leading a chaos cult on Draconis Primaris with the intent of summoning Daemons onto the world.  General Radren had in fact heroically helped the Inquisition stop the heretic Tryst before his ritual was complete.  With the world of Draconis Primaris rigorously assessed by the Inquisition, Knull came to the decision to base the Chapter on the planet’s sister world of Draconis Secondus so as to watch over the Hive World below so that no one dares fall again with the Emperor’s Angels of Death watching over them.  

 

The twin worlds of Draconis Primaris and Secondus were originally brought into compliance during the Great Crusade, but records of what legion brought them into compliance have been lost over the millennia since.  Some suspect the records may have in fact been redacted. The twin worlds were originally named for the Dragon’s Breath Nebula the human colonists can see from the twin worlds.  This however is the only thing the worlds have in common. Draconis Primaris is a Hive World, it’s Hive Cities built on the ruins of the cities that came before the Great Crusade.

 

Draconis Secondus is quite different. Secondus is a Feral World covered in vast forests of huge Redwood like trees, these forests are filled with vicious predators.  Scattered tribes of humans live there that have never surpassed a Bronze Age level of development, perhaps because of their relatively short life spans.  For this reason Knull chose the world for the Chapter’s homeworld, the tribesmen of the world reminded Knull of the brotherhood he encouraged in his men so that they fought together as one and not as individuals.  A vast rocky mesa on the side of the planet tidally locked to Draconis Primaris was selected so the Chapter would forever keep watch on the world below so that the people would know that Angels watched from above ready to punish those who might stray from the Emperor’s light.  A vast rock promontory was selected for the construction of their Fortress Monastery which was named the Eventide Bastion due to even day never becoming brighter than Dawn or Twilight on that part of the world due to its tidally locked nature and limited sunlight. As construction began on the fortress monastery, Knull dispatched scouts to observe the native tribes of the world, many were noted using the term when translated ‘Angel’s of Death’ to describe giant beings that came from the sky to take some of their strongest warriors.  It is suspected these Angel’s they refer to and the specific use of the term ‘Angel’s of Death' could suggest Astartes from the Great Crusade had recruited there six thousand years ago.  Some of the legends they spoke of differ in that some refer to some Angels being far more vicious than others.  Their word of mouth traditions however did not allow them to be identified nor did these myths passed down over centuries always match up. 

 

The tribes on the world seem to have gained an aversion to technology with any new technology beyond their current bronze age development being considered witch craft, those from Draconis Primaris that have studied them believe this originates from the Dark Age of Technology.  Despite this no evidence of a previously more advanced society has been found unlike its twin world and how humans got to the world whether from elsewhere or its sister world remains a mystery. At first the planets native fauna attempted to prey on the planets new residents but they quickly learnt that the Astartes were very much now the top of the food chain and most now avoid the Bastion.

 

The Draconis system itself is located in the north eastern region of the Ultima Segmentum on the very edges of Imperial Space, only the rich amount of resources present there encouraged any Imperial presence and likely the human colonists that settled there before the Dark Age of Technology.  It’s position however also makes it full of hidden threats and dark secrets, some that have already surfaced and others that are only now beginning to be identified.  

 

Recruitment

 

While Draconis Secondus was selected for the recruitment potential of it’s natives, it is not exclusively the site of the chapter’s recruitment.  The Master of Recruits in conjunction with the Chaplaincy will send recruitment squads both out to the tribes and to Primaris to assess those living in the underhives for recruitment as Astartes.  Having selected the strongest individual warriors they are then grouped and sent on two different trials to test their suitability for joining the chapter. 

 

The warriors are grouped rather than sent individually to test their ability to function as a team of brothers in arms, as well as their adaptability.  Warriors from Draconis Primaris are sent back to Secondus in order to be left in the forests for a week to see if they can survive the planets vicious fauna as well as they could in the underhives.  Those from Secondus are sent into the underhives for a week where they must adapt to survive the gangs and mutant creatures that live there.  Those that survive are then brought to the foot of the Eventide Bastion and paired up, one Tribesman and one Underhiver.  Their final task is to climb the vast promontory the Bastion is built upon with no climbing equipment, the two must work together in order to reach the top. Any that arrive at the top alone are treated as much as failures as those who fall to their deaths having abandoned their partner and showing no sense of brotherhood so important to the chapter.  In these cases the aspirant is refused entry to the monastery and is forced to flee into the mountains on threat of death.  None have ever returned and likely either die from exposure or are killed by the predatory Ice Fiends that thrive within the Eventide Mountains. After this the aspirants begin the harsh training and implantation processes of the Adeptus Astartes, those who fail at this stage either become Chapter serfs or if their bodies and minds are too badly damaged during the implantation process the remains are made into lobotomised servitors.

 

 

Chapter Organisation

 

Like many sons of Dorn, despite their Primarch’s initial misgivings the Brotherhood follow the Codex Astartes and organise the Chapter into 10 companies normally consisting of 1000 Astartes or since the return of Lord Guilliman sometimes more than this.  Aspirants who reach the rank of Neophyte will be inducted into the ranks of the 10th Scout Company where they will complete the rest of their training before being implanted with the Black Carapace and inducted into the Battle Companies as full Astartes.

 

One major difference however is the Chapter’s far closer links to the other military organisations of the Sector and even the Sector government.  Since the great Ork Waagh that ravaged the sector in M36 upon their creation and the corruption barely averted after the Reign of Blood it was agreed the Chapter would take a far more central position in Sector affairs than is considered normal.  The Chapter Master of the Brotherhood of Dorn for this reason is always given a honorary position within the Sector Council and while this position technically holds no official power, it allows them to observe and advise in order to prevent the same fall as that of Governor Tryst.  When it comes to the Naval might of the Sector however the Chapter takes a far more commanding role with the Chapter’s Master of the Fleet and Captain of the Fourth Company being in many ways equal to the Grand Admiral of Battlefleet Draconis.  The Sector is organised using similar methods to those of Rogal Dorn in the defence of Terra during the Horus Heresy with several spheres of defence leading back to the Draconis system.  Rather than one large fleet responsible for the entire sector, the spheres consist of several fleets each with a squadron of Astartes vessels.  The 4th Company are known as the Void Born and specialise in void combat either on their vessels or in swift efficient boarding actions.  Unlike the rest of the Chapter the companies armour is painted void black with their ships sometimes mistaken for Black Ships of the Inquisition the main difference being their white prows as opposed to Inquisition red.  This unique arrangement is watched closely by the Inquisition who remain poised to sanction the Chapter should any hint of a similar sedition as the infamous Badab atrocities were to occur.  This fleet arrangement would prove vital at the beginning of the 42nd Millennium. 

 

Fighting Style

 

The Brotherhood of Dorn share the same stubborn bravery as their founding Chapter the Imperial Fists.  However upon being named Chapter Master, Godric Knull placed his own personal ideology upon the Chapter.  Throughout his career as an Imperial Fist, Knull had felt the importance of brotherhood and the necessity to be able to trust in your fellow warriors in the heat of battle.  Even when promoted to positions of leadership from when he became a Sergeant till the day he rose to Chapter Master he never underestimated the worth of those who served below him.  A true leader was only as good as the men that fought alongside him and so he always fostered mutual respect between his men.  No member of the Brotherhood of Dorn fights as an individual only as a united force that no foe can break.  The chapter while keeping to the tenets of siege craft as passed down by Rogal Dorn do not always resort to merely holding a position when forced on the defensive. 

 

While the Imperial Fists are experts at defending from a siege or breaking into a fortification, the Brotherhood of Dorn are often known to successfully break out of sieges seen by others as impossible to break out of, through skill of the sword or sheer indomitable will.  The Chapters sense of Brotherhood extends further than within the chapter, as Dorn once stated they are but tools of the Emperor’s will and only one part of the greater Imperium.  While they are the spear tip they are but a small yet powerful part of the overall spear and without the support of the Astra Militarum and the Imperial Navy the sector would fall.  While an Astra Milatarum commissar may see his troops as expendable, the Brotherhood of Dorn see every guardsmen’s death as a great loss to the overall strength of the Imperium.  Some Astartes will think nothing of the lowly humans that fight at their fight or the many civilians that keep the Imperium moving but the Brotherhood of Dorn value every level of Imperial society.  Only when incompetence, arrogance or heresy rears its head will they disrespect any other force they serve with. In personal combat many in the chapter are accomplished swordsmen and regularly participated in the feast of blades until the opening of the Great Rift.

 

 

Chapter Cult and Belief System

 

The chapter cult of The Brotherhood of Dorn is perhaps seen by an outsider to be an oxymoron.  While the Chapter does believe in the godhood of the Emperor of Mankind, their gene line having come from that of Rogal Dorn also means that they see themselves as mere weapons fulfilling the Emperor’s will.  The irony being that his will is that he refuses to be called divine, a humility that the Chapter believes made him alone worthy of the title.  While sharing the belief of his divinity with their fellow Imperial Fist successors the Black Templars, they do not do so with a uncontrolled zeal as they do.  Instead they focus on brotherhood with the rest of the faithful believing that only together can their faith purge the darkness from the galaxy.  This however does not prevent them from making the hard decisions when needed if saving a few civilians will cost the lives of many elsewhere.  

 

Geneseed

 

As successors of the Imperial Fists their gene tithes as expected have always been found pure.  Like their progenitors they also lack the the use of the Betchers gland and can therefore not spit acid as most Astartes can.

 

The Great Rift

 

The start of the 42nd millennium would herald the Brotherhood of Dorn’s greatest challenge as the Great Rift cut the galaxy in two and blocked the sector from the light of the astronomicon.  Astropaths and navigators across the sector were driven mad as the warp surged, some died in the most gruesome of manners, while others had to be given the Emperor’s mercy before the very fabric of the warp could spill out of their minds.  Likely for the same reason all contact was lost with the Nexus III astropathic duct and if not for the quick actions of the Brotherhood of Dorn the sector would have been lost.  The organisation of Battlefleet Draconis and the presence of Astartes vessels in each sub fleet meant that the Chapter quickly became the main form of communication across the sector.  Each sub fleet was assigned two or three members of the Chapter’s librarius as a reserve in case of communication issues with the fleets Astropaths.  This meant that the fleet could respond quicker to the very sudden and unpredictable threats the sector found itself under.  Some even had to resort to navigating the fleets as well with the deaths of so many navigators. 

 

Even the sector fortifications since the formation of the chapter would not be enough to save the whole of the sector however. Each sub fleet as well as the Astra Militarum, Adeptus Mechanicus and Knight households were stretched thin as numerous forces took advantage of the situation.  Warbands of heretic Astartes, who many suspect had seen dark prophecies of what had been to come, struck at locations across the sector their attacks only limited by a strange calming presence in the warp that may have saved what psykers had survived the opening of the rift and the loss of the astromincon. 

 

One such warband was that of Atilla the Gore Prophet a former member of the World Eaters legion whose forces appeared in orbit of a world known as Jonson’s World on the edge of the sector.  There the Second Company led by Brother Captain Saul Garus had responded to a sudden surge of violence in the populace.  Until Attila’s arrival Garus alongside the planetary PDF managed to hold off those effected by the plague of rage that spread across the world.  Some seemed to scream ‘we have come for you’ and ‘Ave Dominus Nox’ as if memories of the planets lost violent history had been driven into their minds. Perhaps this should have warned Garus of the Traitor Legion forces that were about to strike all be it those originating from two different legions than those during the heresy.  The combined strike of Attilla’s warband and the crazed civilians quickly broke the PDF forces lines leaving the Brotherhood of Dorn to fight alone.  Garus was forced into a tactical withdrawal and aimed to hold the fortified walls of the planets main space port while the unaffected civilians were evacuated.  Garus fought to the last even as more than half the company fell to Atilla’s berzerkers until he came face to face with Attilla himself, engaging in a brutal duel Garus was eventually struck down by the heretic’s lightning claw.  His second in command Lieutenant Alberic was able to block the killing blow and him and the squad accompanying him were able to push Attila back long enough to retrieve the body and take it on board a waiting Thunderhawk. Dying of his wounds it was decided to place Garus in the ancient sarcophagus of a Relic Cotemptor Dreadnought left to the chapter by the Imperial Fists, that had been held deep in the vaults of the Phalanx since the heresy when its previous occupant was slain. 

 

Across the sector similar events were taking place as other war bands and foul xenos struck in the confusion, yet chaos could not make the in roads they did in the rest of the Imperium Nihilus.  Their greatest victory was on the world of Panthereon where the entire world rebelled against the Imperium and dedicated themselves to Tzzeentch. Secretly some believed the Ordo Hereticus had been complacent as the hints of their heresy had been building long before the opening of the rift.  Xenos races from the realm of beasts became braver in their strikes at the Imperium, with Drukhari raids becoming more frequent and rumblings that the greenskins sensing a great fight was coming were building a new waagh to rival the one put down by the Brotherhood millennia before.

 

How much time passed since the rift opening was hard to calculate, but after what seems decades the first word from the rest of the galaxy arrived, a crusade fleet consisting of the Astartes of the Hawkblades chapter, the Adepta Soriortas and a small force of Custodes arrived.  Barely half their fleet had survived the dangerous trip through the warp, often being forced out in parts of the galaxy way off course from their destination.  With them came word from the new Lord Regent of the Imperium the returned Primarch Roboute Guilliman. The limited fleet sent would be all the help they would receive, most of his resources having been sent to Baal on the far side of the segmentum.  It was at this point that the Custodes presented the Brotherhood of Dorn with a contingent of Primaris marines to reinforce their ravaged ranks. The apothecaries of the Hawkblades proceeded to then demonstrate to their brothers in the Brotherhood the nature of the Rubicon Primaris. Now Captain Gaius Alberic being the first to cross the Rubicon and don the re forged Armour of Salvation previously worn by Garus, now

re-made as a suit of Mk X Gravis Armour.  

 

Notable Battles

 

 

Waagh Mindsmasha (ca. 500.M36)

 

The first campaign of the Brotherhood of Dorn as described earlier, finally broken by a combined operation by the Chapter and the Deathwatch led by their first Chapter Master Godric Knull and resulting in the death of the abnormally powerful Weirdboy Mindsmasha 

and the sacrifice of many Librarians to do so.

 

End of the Dark Tithe (ca 700.M36

 

After several centuries discrepancies are found in records of personnel tithes provided by the Hive World of Kiros, representatives of the Administratum in an unusual demonstration of haste demand recompense and begin an investigation into the issue.  In order to pay off the world’s debts many Hives faced far larger conscriptions then usual, many of which were objected to by some but oddly not the residents of Kiros.  It is at this point the true recipients of the lost tithes appear to prevent what they deem their property being stolen. Those conducting the investigation are suddenly inexplicably murdered, there bodies flayed alive and left hanging for all on Kiros to see.  In space the transports find themselves attacked by vessels of the Kabal of the Shattered Sky. 

 

The foul Drukhari xenos had during the Age of Apostasy secretly taken the place of the distracted Imperium and had been claiming the tithes for themselves taking members of the populace for their own dark means, threatening to take all if refused.  Several Brotherhood  of Dorn warships respond to the assault and finding the more mobile vessels difficult to strike find several transports are boarded.  Boarding the vessels themselves the 4th Company proves their mastery of ship board warfare and push the Xenos back to their ships.   While the Astartes are able to eliminate some ships before they can flee, many escape with what few slaves they could get.  Shortly afterward Kiros receives a transmission from  a Lord Salanez declaring vengeance on the world for ‘breach of contract’.  The Ordo Xenos concerned at a Drukhari presence on Kiros have since investigated the possible presence of a Webway gate on the world as well as installing new Orbital defences and augur arrays connected directly to Watch Fortress Praxis of the Deathwatch.

 

Night Fall (ca 870 M36)

 

The warband of Eideris Korshak attacks the agri world of Ilius in order to reclaim a lost Night Lords weapons cache.  Brotherhood of Dorn forces arrive too late to save the populace and find only burnt crops and mutilated remains.  Chapter Master Knull vows to track down and slay Korshak himself and dispatches several companies to search for any other hidden Night Lords bases.

 

 

 

Fall of the Founder (ca 908 M36)

 

After tracking down Eideris and his fleet, Godric Knull and the 1st Company board his ship in order to slay the tyrant.  The two fight upon the vessels bridge and deal each other mortal blows. With the tyrant believed slain the 1st Company is forced to withdraw  with the body of their Chapter founder.  Knull is remembered as a hero but decades later the chapter is horrified to discover Eideris survived and has merely been ravaging worlds nearer the galactic south where he has now also made an enemy of the Hawkblades. The two chapters vow to avenge Knull and continue the hunt for the vile heretic.

 

Hulk of Pandaemonium (ca 48 M37)

 

A Brotherhood of Dorn task force is dispatched to the Space Hulk Pillar of Blood in order in order to intercept a highly dangerous Chaos relic desired by the Chaos Lord and former World Eater Attilla the Gore Prophet. The nature of the relic is known only to the Inquistion, although the presence of an Ordo Xenos Inquisitor suggests the artefact is of Xenos origin.  With the warband reaching the Hulk first the Brotherhood are forced to board the hulk and engage in brutal boarding actions with wave after wave of Berzerkers. 

 

The situation becomes even more chaotic when both forces discover a Hrud colony also existing on the Hulk.  With both forces affected by the Hrud time warping abilities the death rate only magnifies, with some World Eaters fighting until death even as even their Astartes bodies seem to age, a situation never normally seen in Astartes.  Eventually and at great cost to both sides the Hrud are eventually eliminated, but as both sides withdraw it is unclear who is the victor and while the Inquisition are unable to recover the artefact it proves impossible to ascertain if Attila had found it either.

 

Salazen’s Revenge (ca 227 M37)

 

Salazen finally exacts his revenge on the world of Kiros as his forces strike the world in a great culling also capturing many to take back to Commoragh. The Brotherhood of Dorn however respond to the assault and reinforce the planets main cities in order to prevent further casualties.  As war rages across the planet a Deathwatch team discovers the webway gate on the world and destroys it before all of Salazen’s forces can withdraw. Salazen himself is able to escape into the void where he re joins one of his ships only to disappear once again, more than satisfied with the slaves he has gained.  Those Drukhari left behind are slaughtered with no way of escaping the planet.  Despite their victory it will take the world over a century to fully recover with 70% of the population killed or taken.

 

The Summoning Echoes (ca 394 M38

 

The Chaos Lord Varloth formerly of the Emperor’s Children summons the Daemon Azazel deep in the Nostromo sector, using the echoes of the debased acts of the Night Lords to bring him from the warp.  Three companies of the Brotherhood of Dorn banish the Daemon back into the warp but at great cost.  Only the Chapter Master, Chief Librarian and Master of Sanctity are allowed to retain memory of the reports given to them. The reports themselves are taken by the Ordo Malleus and the memories of the Astartes involved are wiped.

 

The Lost Fleet (ca 100 M39)

 

The second fleet of Battlefleet Draconis and Astartes forces accompanying it is lost responding to an astropathic distress call from the world of <REDACTED>.  Investigations since have found only a vast debris field orbiting <REDACTED> that has been identified as the second fleet, no bodies were discovered and the world itself was also now devoid of all life despite being a thriving Imperial world prior to the incident.  Strange residual energy signatures were detected on the ships and on <REDACTED>, but who destroyed the fleet and all life on the planet remains unknown.

 

The Purging of Theta 616 (ca 320 M40 - 350 M40)

 

Rogue Trader Theod Hexite claims the world of Theta 616 and begins the colonisation process.  Over the decades several Hive Cities are built and while naming the world after himself Imperial Bureaucracy sees the naming not being recognised by the Administratum until years later.   Since the day of the first landing mysterious disappearances take place growing in number in the planets subterranean cities. While rich in admamantium the planet exists too close to the system’s sun to colonise the surface.

 

Eventually in 30 years since his first arrival the deaths have risen into the thousands and as every city on the world suddenly loses power they are plunged into darkness as an un identified horde attacks. The Brotherhood of Dorn make landfall to purge the site and kill the Genestealers that have appeared, with power restored the threat is removed. Initially the Genestealers are believed to have arrived with Hexite but further investigation finds a crashed space hulk that had become buried over the millennia.  Records retrieved however made little sense as some of the lost vessels suggested they came from the far side of the galaxy in M42, two thousand years in the future contradicting the thousands of years worth of sediment deposited on top of the hulk after its crash.  This data is heavily classified by the Inquisition but the appearance of Hive Fleet Hydra in M41 suggests their true origin.


Edited by Brother Captain Alberic, 19 March 2021 - 02:15 PM.

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In the Truth of the Emperor we trust.

 


#2
Brother Tyler

Brother Tyler

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Three quick notes after a preliminary reading:

You indicate that the Chapter might be from the 14th Founding, but later say that the Chapter was founded in the aftermath of the Reign of Blood/Age of Apostasy. If the latter is the case, the 22nd Founding is the most likely founding (the 21st Founding took place before the Reign of Blood).

I recommend deleting the line about the Chapter regularly producing champions in the Feast of Blades. This implies that they are better warriors than their counterparts in other Chapters, which is a bit prideful for a DIY Chapter (falls into the Mary Sue trap). It's fine to say that the Chapter has many accomplished swordsmen, but to imply that they win the Feast of Blades more than other VIIth Legion Successors is a bit much.

The formatting makes it a bit difficult to read. I suspect that you've copied and pasted from a document using the WYSIWYG editor, preserving the font and font size that you've used in the document. This results in small font using serifs, which are difficult to read online. In addition, the lack of spacing between paragraphs (or indention) creates large blocks of text. There are also a few spots where hard returns remain, forcing line breaks that break up the flow of the text (these mostly appear in the Notable Battles section). If others similarly find the format to make it more difficult to read the article, you might consider editing these elements (generally accomplished by removing most of the BBCode).

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#3
Dosjetka

Dosjetka

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Re: formatting -> I'm using the "light" forum skin and am getting a blank page because it's white text on white background. I'd recomment you select all of the text and select the "Automatic" colour option in the drop-down menu. thumbsup.gif


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#4
Brother Captain Alberic

Brother Captain Alberic

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Three quick notes after a preliminary reading:

You indicate that the Chapter might be from the 14th Founding, but later say that the Chapter was founded in the aftermath of the Reign of Blood/Age of Apostasy. If the latter is the case, the 22nd Founding is the most likely founding (the 21st Founding took place before the Reign of Blood).

I recommend deleting the line about the Chapter regularly producing champions in the Feast of Blades. This implies that they are better warriors than their counterparts in other Chapters, which is a bit prideful for a DIY Chapter (falls into the Mary Sue trap). It's fine to say that the Chapter has many accomplished swordsmen, but to imply that they win the Feast of Blades more than other VIIth Legion Successors is a bit much.

The formatting makes it a bit difficult to read. I suspect that you've copied and pasted from a document using the WYSIWYG editor, preserving the font and font size that you've used in the document. This results in small font using serifs, which are difficult to read online. In addition, the lack of spacing between paragraphs (or indention) creates large blocks of text. There are also a few spots where hard returns remain, forcing line breaks that break up the flow of the text (these mostly appear in the Notable Battles section). If others similarly find the format to make it more difficult to read the article, you might consider editing these elements (generally accomplished by removing most of the BBCode).

 

Thanks for advice, think I've cleared that up a bit so it's easier to read and altered the section about the feast of blades.  In some respects I possibly should have posted it a bit at a time anyway, it is a bit of a long read.

 

 

Re: formatting -> I'm using the "light" forum skin and am getting a blank page because it's white text on white background. I'd recomment you select all of the text and select the "Automatic" colour option in the drop-down menu. thumbsup.gif

Thanks, I'd pasted in without using the in built paste tool so even when I tried to change the colour to automatic it wouldn't change it so had to completely re do it before it would work.


In the Truth of the Emperor we trust.

 






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